If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
not ubering you a puppy
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
