only you would photoshop your dick
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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