so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
