Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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