i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
