Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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