Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
