I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
