so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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