Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
