Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
