she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
