When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
