I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I did not marry a roomba.
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