I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
