I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
