I can text with my tongue
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
