atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
