it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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