Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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