I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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