you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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