It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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