they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
