Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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