i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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