She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
