my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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