theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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