tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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