I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
