Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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