I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
