My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
