If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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