when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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