i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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