I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
