please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
