today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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