She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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