What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
