I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
