Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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