god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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