If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
