I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
