Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
