I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
