If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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